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I feel like a jumbled mass of motives and wants and intentions all pulling me in a different direction. My life feels messy. I guess that’s probably just how life is. Just like a big bowl of spaghetti.

Sometimes I think following God equals being in solitude, saying prayers, and thinking only of ‘heavenly things‘. But, that’s not it at all. Not by a long shot. God is so much more organic and creative and messy than that. Far from the monastery I am. Instead of solitude I live in a house full of voices and feelings and emotions. Instead of ‘heavenly things’ I am obliged to think about dirty diapers, hurting teenagers, and hot dogs on the grill. Instead of long, deep-voiced prayers my conversation with God usually amounts too “Help me God!”.

My life is messy. Yet, through all these things I am with God and he is with me. He is speaking to me. He is teaching me. He is shaping me. All of that happens by means of the things he has me doing everyday . . . not in spite of them.

We are starting to settle into a routine. We have about figured out where everything is located.

Today we talked about the most important part of serving cross-culturally. Our relationship with God. Of course, this is the most important thing in all of life, but absolutely critical if we plan to be of any use in a strange and foreign place where we don’t know anyone, we can’t understand the language, and the food tastes funny. He and each other will be all Amanda and I have to lean on.

The session lasted from 9-11 and then we were supposed to spend 3.5 hours in solitude and silence. Not just being alone and being quiet for the heck of it, but to get finger on the pulse of God. What’s he saying? Maybe even begin to get our heartbeats a little closer to the rhythms of his loving, graceful heart. This was no easy task for me. Although I looked forward to it, I found it very difficult to concentrate. It didn’t feel fruitful. Maybe I’m too distracted or tired. Or maybe I’m too used to the TV or radio going. One of the greatest things I’ve realized about relating to Christ is that, like any other relationship, it can’t be programmed. Because I miss a quiet time or whatever, I don’t have to feel guilty or like I let God down. It’s about walking with God through every minute of every circumstance. The practice of the presence of God.